Three

I missed one of my best friends’ wedding this past weekend. Not because I couldn’t make it, but because our friendship has recently come to an end, and wasn’t invited. The friendship between my best-best friend and i also came to an end. Basically my “friends” are dropping like flies. 

When I was sexually assaulted years ago I had no idea how it would change my life. I wasn’t prepared. The loss I’ve experienced has been overwhelming for me. And for some reason I am the one that feels guilt. I feel guilty that when my best friends decided to maintain close relationships with the person that assaulted me, I made the decision to walk away from our friendships. Why the fuck do I feel guilty?! It’s frustrating. I miss my friends. I’m depressed. Angry. Irritated. Anxious. 

My therapist told me that I’m experiencing grief as if someone has died, and that it’s normal. She said that although my friendships died years ago, I just now had their funerals. 

I scheduled the funerals shortly after the Women’s March. When I found out that my best friend had attended the March with the p.o.s I was heartbroken, and really fucking angry. Like, who the fuck thought that was a good idea?! Ugh. 

Ending a 10-year friendship is hard. Actually, that’s an understatement, it’s fucking brutal. I go back and forth all the time wondering if I did the right thing. And unfortunately, I know that I did. I always communicated my feelings and they were never validated in the way that I needed them to be. This person was given a pass for sexual assault, and I feel like it’s pretty fucking obvious that that isn’t okay. It came to the point where I realized if I am going to be an advocate for other victims, I first have to stand up for myself. 

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